Bill Simmons and Ryen Russillo Reacting to Christmas Movies if They Were Real
'Tis the season.
Spotify Wrapped dropped last week and alongside my questionable listening choices came the revelation that I listened to about 60,000 minutes worth of podcasts. Among my top five shows was the Bill Simmons Podcast, which I have listened to throughout its’ many iterations for at least the last 15 years.
To me there’s almost nothing better than a Ryen Russillo rant on something so arbitrary that you wonder who could’ve possibly mentioned that topic to him. I love to send texts to my friend who also listens in the style of Russillo ranting about something completely out of left field .
So, as I stared at my Spotify Wrapped and thought about all the time spent listening to sports reactions and breakdowns, my mind wandered to Christmas and the holiday season. My wife and I are in the middle of watching as many holiday themed things as possible and for some reason the idea just clicked in my head: What if Bill Simmons and Ryen Russillo were reacting to holiday movies, but they were in the universe that movie took place so the events were real?
There’s probably a much easier way to explain it but I think you’ll get the gist.
Elf
Simmons: Did you see the Pelicans last night? Zion was unbelievable the whole game.
Russillo: Dude it was so sick, there are those moments where he’s out there and he’s blocking shots, leading the fast break, and you’re just like ‘man can you stay healthy just one season so we can see what this team can be?’
Simmons: Here’s a hypothetical for you: if you were Santa and your sleigh was broken down in Central Park and you had to rely on either 8 reindeer or 8 Zion Williamsons to power it out, who would you go with?
Russillo: Wait, what?
Simmons: Have you not seen what happened on Christmas Eve?
Russillo: No I was watching Hornets/Nets, what happened?
Simmons: (laughing to himself) Oh man, Kyle, turn the TikTok camera on! So, I don’t know if you saw anything about the guy in New York City who was running around in an Elf costume but it’s been everywhere. This dude is all over social media, you know I hate Twitter but I couldn’t stop, I must’ve scrolled through like 50 things of him spinning in a door, fighting in a department store, screaming at people in diners, just the craziest things. So, Christmas Eve comes and there’s all these reports about something happening in Central Park…
Russillo: (mumbling to himself more than speaking out loud, clearly researching) Ok, yeah I’m seeing some of that here now.
Simmons: So it’s like 45 minutes of everyone wondering what’s going on and trying to see on social media or in person and there’s just glimpses of reindeer and a sleigh and people start saying ‘Wait, is this an actual Santa Claus thing? Like, is this happening right now?’ Then, everyone just starts singing Christmas carols and out of nowhere, a massive sleigh led by 8 reindeer comes flying over the crowd with, and Russillo, you know how skeptical I am about this kind of stuff, but it looked like Santa Claus was in this sleigh and who was right next to him?
Russillo: No!
Simmons: Oh yeah, that f***ing guy in the elf costume! So I don’t know if he was like, Santa’s helper or a dude who got roped in or what happened but it’s just unbelievable. I gotta ask though, what’s more unbelievable: Santa’s sleigh breaking down in Central Park and being revived through the magic of belief and Christmas Spirit or the Jets winning a Super Bowl in the next decade?
Home Alone
Russillo: Did you see the end of that Bears game today?
Simmons: Caleb Williams, 80-yard touchdown drive with no timeouts and 55 seconds left to win the game? Oh I saw.
Russillo: Yeah man unbelievable, I saw this kind of stuff in college and was like ‘there’s no way he’s going to be bad, it just can’t happen. He does this kind of stuff way too much to not work out.’
Simmons: Yeah he went full Kevin McAllister-style hero mode.
Russillo: (deep, contemplative sigh) I don’t know man.
Simmons: Whoaaaa, is Russillo OUT on Kevin McAllister?!
Russillo: I don’t think I’m out, per se, do you wanna do this now?
Simmons: I think we have to.
Russillo: Ok so like, it’s an interesting story right? Obviously I get why it’s popular. Little kid gets left by himself and ends up thwarting a pair of prolific burglars, really cool. But,
Simmons: Uh, oh, here comes the Russillo zag.
Russillo: But like, are we really gonna do the thing where we sit here and act like all of this is cool? First off, kid gets left behind by his family and it takes days to get back home? I understand that like, look it’s the holidays, tons of travel going on but I’m not sure this family should’ve had this kid waiting for them back home.
Simmons: Wait, are you saying that he should’ve left or maybe the city of Chicago should’ve intervened?
Russillo: I don’t know man I’m just saying I think it’s kinda weird that they leave this kid in what turns out to be a life-threatening situation and because it all worked out, no one thinks twice about if maybe the family just shouldn’t be the ones responsible for his well-being. That’s not even really all of it though because I think the other side of this, is what happens to Kevin now? Like, are we really saying ‘Good job, you caught the Wet Bandits, all good?” Cause if we are then I think we’ve got some major problems and some cold truths we may not be ready to face as a society.
Simmons: What do you mean?
Russillo: I mean like (pause, suddenly serious) I understand he was on his own and had this crazy situation of people breaking into his house and he was just defending his home…
Simmons: Oh my god.
Russillo: At some point we have to face the fact that all of this was premeditated assault. Paint cans and bricks to the chest? Broken glass, tar, a blowtorch? Dude, there has to be a line between “I need to defend my house” and “I’ve got these guys where I want them so let me lead them from room to room to extend their torture for as long as possible.”
The Grinch
Simmons: OK, coming back to the pod. I have a six-pack of topics for Russillo and I and we’re about halfway through which brings me to my next topic: The Grinch - are you in or out?
Russillo: Wait, what?
Simmons: Are you in or out on the Grinch?
Russillo: What about him?
Simmons: I’ll go first - I’m kinda disappointed he changed his mind.
Russillo: (chuckling) Whoa
Simmons: I’m just saying, I think Christmas has gone too far, it’s lost the plot on what it means and the Grinch was really onto something.
Russillo: No I see what you’re saying, it’s a lot of ‘me, me, me’ and ‘I want this’ or ‘I need that’ and we don’t all have massive Spotify contracts to afford every single thing (reference goes right over Simmons’ head as he chuckles) so I think we do need to take a step back sometimes and not focus quite so much on the gifts and corporate hallmarks. I think the consumerism is a real problem in Whoville and there needs to be some sort of cha….
Simmons: (interrupting) Did you see all the gadgets that guy was packing?! He had this high-powered sleigh and all sorts of tech to help him steal Christmas. This dude was like Larry Bird walking into the three point contest in 1988 and asking “who’s coming in second?” It’s just like “oh, the Grinch wants to steal Christmas? He’s stealing Christmas.”
Russillo: Who’s the better strategist: The Grinch or Bill Belichick?
Simmons: Oooh, that’s a good one. I don’t think the Grinch can lead like Belichick, the Grinch is a lot more iso, ‘give me the ball and clear out’ type. Both have their places but imagine Belichick trying to steal Christmas.
Russillo: And you know he wouldn’t have second thoughts about cheating to win.
Krampus
Simmons: Ok, before we go since it’s the holidays I have to ask, Russillo, how was your Christmas?
Russillo: It was good you. know, the gym was open in the morning so I went and got a lift in, nothing major just some bench press, some deadlifts, loaded 425lbs up on the squat rack, it was just good to work up a sweat you know? After that it was about time for the NBA games to start and they do these NFL games now too so I had to fire up both of my screens to make sure I could keep an eye on everything going on. Which, you won’t find a bigger NFL fan than me but are we really going to do the thing where we pretend like the NFL isn’t just all greed now? We’ve got games on Sunday, Monday, and Thursday with games happening Friday and any other day now including Christmas. Look, I love football but I don’t want to spend my time glued to the TV set Christmas Day for a Titans/Dolphins matchup with the C-tier refs. Anyways, I really enjoyed the basketball, I wish we would’ve gotten Paolo and the Magic in one of these games but I get it, gotta keep LeBron on TV as much as possible.
Simmons: (sighing) Yeah, I agree.
Russillo: But look, it was a great day. It was a really good day. How about yours?
Simmons: Well, you know we usually do Parent Corner with Cousin Sal but since it’s Christmas, I’ve got a holiday story involving Ben Simmons.
Russillo: Uh oh.
Simmons: Oh yeah. (takes a moment) So, my son Ben Simmons is a psycho. It’s been well documented over the years but this Christmas really kinda takes the cake. So we have all the family over, my dad, stepmom, my wife’s family, the house is packed and Ben and my daughter Zoe start arguing over who’s going to take the dog out. Shouldn’t be an issue, turns into the biggest problem either of them has ever faced, they’re screaming at each other, my wife’s shouting now too, it’s just like, “oh man we’re really doing this.” All of a sudden, we hear this thud on the roof and the whole room gets silent. Russillo, you’re not gonna believe this…it was Krampus.
Russillo: NO!
Simmons: Oh yeah, the anti-Claus himself. I guess Ben Simmons was being so negative, that his energy summoned Krampus so now the whole house is in disarray. You’ve got grandparents getting snatched up the chimney, these weird creature things guarding the doors, just absolute mayhem and then you know what? The next morning, everything was fine. We were all right back on the couches and laughing and it was over.
Russillo: I mean, we’ve all had nights like that am I right?
Home Alone (again)
Simmons: Ok coming back from the break, I have a new segment for you Russillo, I didn’t run this by you beforehand because I really wanted your in-the-moment reactions.
Russillo: I wish you would’ve but let’s do it.
Simmons: New segment: it’s called “… or Kevin McAllister” where I’m going to name an NFL coach and you have to tell me if you’d rather have him or 8 year old Kevin McAllister, who guarded his home from and helped apprehend, two burglars over the holidays, coaching your team.
Russillo: I love it. I absolutely love but Bill, can I just say one thing?
Simmons: The floor is yours.
Russillo: Ok, so, I know it’s incredible that this kid was able to do all this and was left alone by his family and had to deal with the panic and fear that comes with that. So the presence of mind he had to be like “uh oh, burglars coming in, what do I do?” is really astonishing for an 8 year old. But, and here’s where I’m gonna start getting people on social media like “wow Russillo’s really going after this kid”, like no, I’m just presenting my side of things. Anyways, the thing I want to point out is that it’s not like the Wet Bandits were some criminal masterminds. I mean Bill, did you read the reports about what happened and how he caught them?
Simmons: I skimmed them but I haven’t deep-dived it yet no.
Russillo: Ok well here are a few things that really stood out to me: “The Wet Bandits described multiple instances of being hit with paint cans, falling down stairs, and tripping on Micro Machines.” Like dude, Micro Machines? What are we even doing here? So because two grown men can’t duck some paint cans and have bad balance, the city is writing about this kid like he’s Elliot Ness bringing down Capone or something. I’m just saying, it’s an incredible story that this happened and this kid had that kind of ingenuity but I think people just get so wrapped up in things that they kinda miss what’s really happening you know?
Simmons: Definitely. (pauses a beat) So first up I have Antonio Pierce…